Sunday, May 15, 2011

Too much at one time

Many people go through a lot in life.  Life, death, ups and downs.  And I don't think that my life is worse or better than theirs.  But, this is my life and I have had a hard time trying to handle it all as of late.

Some of you know, while others don't that I have been diagnosed with Bi-Polar Type II disorder, which is a most depressive form.  This is not a new thing of course, I was diagnosed back in 2004, but for some reason this last 6 months has been a whirlwind of emotions.  And about 4 months ago it tended to all crash down on me.  I have tried the very best I could to handle, surrounding myself with my kids and my best friend that has made sure to be there to catch me if I fall.  I took a vacation that was supposed to help me de-stress (never vacation with a 2 year old to de-stress by the way), but nothing has really helped.  I isolated myself, not going anywhere unless I had to, not doing anything unless I had to.  And to add insult to injury, my Fibro has been flared up for a month or more which makes it very difficult to deal, and Dan has been out for a month so he can be home for my birthday for 4 days.  This is the light at the end of my tunnel, as he is scheduled to be home on Wednesday. But it seem like years instead of a few days.

And I have pushed away my church friends, not meaning too of course, but I do not want to be a gloomy gus of any sort. I feel that I have to hide who I am deep inside myself because I do not want to hurt others around me. So on the outside everything is "fine" which is the best response that I can give to someone. I feel as if no one wants to be around someone so down and depressed as it would tend to drag them down as well. And to top all of this off, I DO NOT want anyone to be disappointed in me or think any less of me, as I feel that is what is going to happen in the end.

So, I am so very sorry for all that I have alienated from. It is nothing against you or anything else that is going on. I have just had to deal with too much at one time.

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